these colors will not change; you change the way i see them.
i wanted to write about everything else i was thinking about first before i started writing about the only thing that matters to me at the moment. it should NOT be most important to me.
ha, here lies the problem.
i promised myself that i would never allow my heart to feel such desperation for love ever again. if love happened, it happened, i wasn't going to go out and look for it. but i guess old habits die hard, except this one is never going to die. it isn't a habit....it's a trait, one i've had since i can remember. and i can remember clearly back to about kindergarten.
even further than that, i promised myself that i'd never allow myself to feel all of this because of you, EVER, AGAIN.
maybe im in denial, or maybe im too independent for my own good. but this disgusting, heart-wrenching depression that not having you brings to me, is the upmost in torture. and it's pathetic for me to ever let anyone make me feel that way.
but underneath ever those feelings, there is a person that won't back down just because of that rejection.
because marilyn manson quoted it quite beautifully, there's the ones that you love, the ones that love you, the ones that make you come, the ones that make you come unglued. and then further even, i can't turn my back on you when you are walking away.
you are all of the people, as i am all those people to you...
i love you with every bit of my heart and mind and body and soul. it's hard for me to believe that there's actually a solid chance now of everything working out perfectly and we finally being together. i have that inkling of "OMG EEEEEEE!", but i still feel mostly hesitant and on my guard cuz i couldnt let myself down like that again. it would kill me.
but on the lighter note. IF, life is going to start being peachy fucking awesome, this is what else im thinking of!
....
i can't wait to decorate our apartment. i pinned my moon and star drape in front of my window yesterday, so that it could be light in my room but still darkish. well it looks really neat! and it got me thinking about how i would i decorate our place (cuz he told me to start looking for apartments :D). candles, beads, tassles, drapes, table cloths, portraits of cool things, maybe his hendrix records and some band posters...
and then i could burn incense in there (this just excites the shit out of me hahaha), come home to him and ethan or he come home to us, cook dinner every night i'm home, he could help with the dishes (haha cuz i HATE dishes! and he knows it), i could do their laundry and get mad at them for leaving towels or dirty socks in dumb places....and when ethan's asleep, he and i could sit on the porch and smoke a cigarette, look at the stars and talk about the day or just nothing at all. and/or cuddle on the couch and watch tv or a movie.
sigh. :]
i thanked what/whoever it was that blessed me with this life whole-heartedly.
i was smokingh a cigarette out of my window earlier and large ant carrying a larvae up and down the side of the window edge. i finally thought to myself, "dude, you're going in circles." and realized that this little bug didnt kno any better. it was out of its element. it was going around in circles cuz it was on a foreign territory that shouldnt even be there to begin with. the house was trespassing on its simplistic little green life.
we are trespassing on its simplistic little green life. with all of our technology, our concrete, our man-made bullshit thats completely opposite of how we're supposed to do it.
if a god did put us on this earth, he's sitting up on his thrown thing, looking down and "tsktsktsk"ing at all of us.
i wanna do acid, so that i can really feel those emotions of the hate for humans and their distruction of the earth combined with intense love for this love circular rock more than i already do.
i am going to go to the incubus concert on the 27th. i should probably buy a ticket and save up some money. i still have a speeding ticket to pay for and....ah money is fucking fucked off. fuck money.
....this entry went nowhere near where i wanted it to go. but it got the major portion of my stress partially off my shoulders. ive got to keep remembering IT'S FINALLY HAPPENING. BE HAPPY!
....i can't even keep on track with saying that i didnt say half the shit i wanted to say without reverting back to the thing that took over in the first place. bahaha. oh well.
i'll get happier later forsure. i'll go out tonite. :] no work til 5, thank you mrs sandy, means i actually have my 2nights off work like a weekend would be like. nice.
1:47 pm - 08.23.11
Recent entries:
08.02.22//castle of glass
08.01.22//the next entry
08.01.22//because i was sent to warn you, the devil's in the next room
07.06.16//there's one broken cobblestone still clinging to the bridge
06.30.16//digression of glitter, shiny, and sparkle!
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