ok. so.
over this past week, my life has upchucked itself and changed dramatically.
long story short, i have come to find out that i have been basically...well, not been myself.
i mean, that was obvious.
trying to explain this out in a linear fashion is going to be complicated, as its been bum-rushing my brain for the past few days.
apparently, i have been floating thru life for the past 8/ish years. having completely suppressed my memories of my childhood, i built myself up in happiness that wasnt authentic to the core, because i was not there. i simply had stopped being. my existential body was there, and as i stated in my entry before this, there was a whisp of my self just to convince the world it wasnt just an empty shell walking around, pretending to be something.
when in all actuality, that is exactly what it was. i want to get so upset with the people i had in my life, about how could they not realize what was going on? but i cant go blaming anyone for falling for the perfect disguise, when i alone was fooled.
im going to try and create a timeline for myself now.
my memories are broken into categories, chunks of existence. theres the beginning, which is birth to around 12. between 12-14/15, its also part of the beginning, but its also its own section on its own. after 14/15, it fades into about 19.... and then theres an abyss, between 20 and 26, or 19 and 26, or 19 and 25. the edges of those years could be physically described as a crumbling stone bridge, where the edges on either sides of the mountains are still attached, however broken - could be disturbed, and pieces would fall if one didnt tread carefully - crumbling at the slightest wind.
it is within all of the broken pieces of stone, where i barely lived. someone else navigated my body. somebody else made decisions, smiled with my teeth, spoke with my tongue, used my hands and feet to perform jobs and tasks, breathed with my lungs. whoever this person was, she was very talented. "sure, meredith was a little under the weather. shes fallen on hard times, growing up and being an adult is rough. simple enough," there wasnt anything more or less wrong than that.
of course, this was my complete intention, that nobody know i was struggling so that in a sense i didnt actually have to. could still keep pretending that "let it go" was all the bandaid i needed. how were the people who made me this way supposed to figure out it had turned into so much more, when they didnt even know what was there to begin with.
alright. so from what i can remember...
the year was 2007. i had just turned 18. i was free from the clutches of hell. i had the reigns now. i had decided that up and dropping every bit of my life and leaving it, was the thing to do. sounds good on paper, right? so im 18. my 20 yr old boyfriend and i do drugs all of the time. i pack up all of my belongings and we "move" to college station on a whim. we couldnt have had more than $100 in cash, nowhere to really live. we end up staying with phillip's friend chris and his girlfriend michelle. it was nice for a while, i put out a few job applications. one thing led to another and it wasnt working, us living with chris and michelle (my adult self thinking, free loading and honestly they were way too nice to let us stay there in the first place. we didnt give them any money, nor did we help out with anything), so i called my dad and he helped us move into this sketchy, but nice apartment complex. it was small, and most of the people were friends who worked at this restaurant/music club type place. well somewhere around this time, we had asked this guy we saw outside of a headshop if he knew where to get weed.....turns out we had just spoken to the top drug runner in that city. what are the odds of that? i mean, from what i can remember, he was a decent and nice person, as far as that category of persons is concerned. had a house (i think the kids nowadays would call it a trap house, although it was a nice and fairly large house) where i saw more cocaine and guns and weed and illegal activity (shit you see in the movies, big city marketing) than ive ever seen til this day.
so phillip and i were living in our apartment, only getting by because he was basically a drug mule for this guy we'd met because he had a car, so id stay at home in our apartment all day and clean it or decorate it. i really wish i could have that same space to work with again, i really liked it. the garden area outside of the window was pretty, there were plenty of large old windows, everything was wood floors.
somewhere in this time, id decided that it was a good idea to have this girl who used to "date" phillip, come stay with us at our place, because she was having problems at home and needed somewhere to go. it was only supposed to be for a week or two, which turned into about 4 to 5 weeks. i was getting tired of her being there, and i was also starting to suspect that she and phillip were fooling around while i was sleeping. because these days, id become pretty sick, i was throwing up all the time and couldnt eat much food, not that there was much of it to be had. turns out, the debilitating rounds of vomit was because i was pregnant. and pretty pregnant by then, the symptoms really peaked at around something like 8 or 9 weeks most likely.
so at this point, im 18, pregnant (again), the farthest from home ive ever lived in my life, totally starved of any kind of substantial human care i needed. i wanted my mom. i was scared, how was i supposed to bring a baby into this world when i couldnt even take care of myself? props to me for knowing that i knew absolutely nothing about anything...but that isnt helpful. so. fast forward to a very drugged out phillip telling me that he wants to do whatever he can for me in life and our baby, and blahblahblah, white picket fence white trash marriage in the future mumbojumbo. car completely stuffed full of everything i/we owned, everything id been stealing from walmart and the mall, and a puppy that not 3 days beforehand had been given to me at 7am by a coked out boyfriend who had disappeared for the entire night and left me by myself.
loyalty is a hell of a thing.
so its now october 2007, halloween to be exact. my graduating class of 2008 were now the makers of the haunted house in our home town, it was a tradition for the seniors to raise money for the graduation ceremony and etc. it was something i had been looking forward to for a few years now, the celebration of my escape as well as the creepy crawly goodness that was halloween. i love halloween. im basically three months pregnant at this point, had just moved back home and was hanging out with my best friend taylor, getting all of our things together for the festivities. well my apartment in college station still had about 50% of my belongings in it, and while i was participating in the haunted house with my classmates, phillip was supposed to go to college station and pack up the rest of our stuff and bring it back down here the next day. well he stopped replying to my text messages and phone calls around 2am.
this is where the fans of shit, collided with the other fans of shit and all that entailed there was just broken fan pieces and globs of shit every which way. disaster.
phillip had turned off his phone and said he wanted nothing to do with me. that i wasnt pregnant with his child, that he didnt love me, he loved the girl (kim) instead. i was so lost. i waited patiently every hour, every day, as the day faded, listening for the stupid sound of that ugly silver neon muffler. i knew he was sick, sick on the drugs, that he wasnt himself and that eventually he would come back to me and we could make things right again. tortured trying to find out where he was, just to see him, just to ask him what was going on, why wouldnt he just come back to me and our baby? bits of memories show that i obsessed over every second of the day, trying to figure out how to make this right, trying to....stabilize, something, for my child and my love. i was told lies over and over and spit on. but i still believed that when he was better he would come back to me.
6:30am one morning (after 8 long days of no contact), i receive a text message and meet him outside my parents porch. i can already see that he has been better, he actually had gained weight, there was recognition in his eyes. it was weak, but it was there.
and so, i had truly won. i knew that i had done everything right, so that my baby would have two happy parents who loved eachother with supportive family members. crazy and unstable, but it was good.
some time in between, i had been hanging out with my friend, who's mom was dating a weed dealer in our town. so obviously, people had been known and seen coming in and out buying drugs and stuff. well on this particular day, i was supposed to go pick up my brother from the doctors office across town, and id lost track of time due to being stoned and whatnot. so i get a phone call from my dad telling me why hadnt i been there to get my brother yet, so i leave the house and get in my car. drive stupid fast thru the neighborhood streets, rolling stops signs and swerving, speeding. im on the highway when i see there is a truck behind me with police lights on. i pull over, freaking out because i still havent picked up cameron from the dr, and also because i had about $5 of weed in my possession.
the cop proceeds to tell me that they had been watching the house, had followed me thru the street while i did numerous traffic violations, not to mention that i had just left a known drug dealer's house. i am terrified that i am going to go to jail for a gram and a half of dirty weed. but the cop calls someone, and he hands me a card, tells me to meet with him and this officer at the sherriffs office to talk about what we can do about this situation. and he lets me go get my brother on my word that i will be going straight to exactly where i said i was going and then meeting back up with them. which i did. about 45 minutes later, i was in a room with two cops telling me about drug rings in bay city, and that in order for me to not have a possession of marijuana on my record and myself go to jail, i would have to essentially be an undercover snitch. i would have to go thru the motions enough and give enough information about the people and their schemes around the area for them to "successfully capture/incriminate others for drug crimes". THREE people, they wanted me to do this to. it sounds simple enough, but they wanted details about who was in the houses, where things were, how much of whatever was in there. i didnt know what these cops wanted from me honestly, we were in a town with a population of 17,000 people, most of whom were on food stamps or welfare, working at fast food restaurants. it wasnt like i was going to walk in and bust a guy with 15 kilos of cocaine. these people were selling nickle bags of weed. and honestly, at the time these people were my friends. they had children. i felt what i was doing was just wrong. i couldnt handle it after a while, i was pregnant and i didnt want to keep having to go to these ghetto areas of town, buying drugs with money i got from cops and having to meet them "secretly" somewhere with the drugs id bought from the person. with details and descriptions of the surroundings and etc.
finally, i gave up because i couldnt keep playing this double role. i was going to have a baby, if i got charged with possession of weed, fine. its better than potentially getting killed in the drug game. and when i did, i told my friend that i couldnt tell him how i knew what i knew, but that he had "friends" who werent his friends and that he needed to watch out for himself and his baby girl. because i had been told that there were other people talking to the cops about this same friend, etc, and so there were sketchy people close to them.
-----------------------------------------
this is as far as i want to go, for now. i need and want to extract every detail that i can. im having to work my way back and into it so eventually once this part is through, i can be strong enough to sift thru the dark corridors of my childhood. i dont have solid memories of them anymore, but maybe once i rid myself of the weight of disgust and soul devouring torment that i went through because i had a childhood that led me to believe that was all i was good for..... all of the pieces will fall back in place. all of the pieces will soon fall away.
my shoulders have never been more seized than on this day. WHERE IS THE IBUPROFEN!
5:59 pm - 07.06.16
Recent entries:
08.21.22//8+21+2022
08.02.22//castle of glass
08.01.22//the next entry
08.01.22//because i was sent to warn you, the devil's in the next room
07.06.16//there's one broken cobblestone still clinging to the bridge
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