the other day when I got on here, I realized that because I'm such a forgive and forget-ful kind of person, that ive never really had the closure that my soul needed for all those wrongdoings, having been done, to me.
I'm also not as good of a writer -or worder, haha- as I used to be. and I truly hate this keyboard.it really is the worst kind of keyboard to use if I'm trying to get back into the groove of things.
when did I become the person that would rather be on my phone on the internet, instead of using a computer? with all of its glorious extras, the click click of the keyboard, the movement of the mouse and the power of simple soft plastics.
all of that aside, this truly has been one of, if not the most, enlightening months of my entire life. it began with me discovering what it actually truly meant to be in such a dark, sad, desperate place that the ONLY way I would be able to free myself would be to end my life. I drank too much cough syrup in hopes of extra-enlightenment, and I about killed myself. I could have ended up in a mental institution and am actually quite surprised at my strength. it took everything I had to remember that this wasn't how I always felt, this isn't real, the despair and pain and infinite sorrow is not real, not my life. my life is my wonderful husband, my beautiful children, my family and my friends. I could work through this and I could survive and it would eventually be over.
eventually it was over, but not without repercussion. I have never really understood people who felt that the absolute only solution was to kill themselves in order to stop whatever was happening. I always had something that held me back from accepting that there was nothing more to be done, nothing at all, especially for my life. but that night/day I came to terms with it, the sobering, terrifying truth that that really could have been the only thing to stop it. because nothing else was going to help.
silver lining, I did come out on the other side being VERY appreciative for my life and all of the wonderful wonderous ness that it is. I have never been more thankful to be alive. because it could be relentlessly worse. how on earth ive never been able to discover that other than torturing myself to the brink of psychosis, is beyond me. but that is no longer to be questioned. that is just who I am. atleast I know that what I know is completely solid.
so about the other day. I was reading my notes on here from all the years of interactions with hundreds of beautiful souls. I started back at the beginning so that I could kind of, trace myself through others' eyes. about halfway through, amongst the sparkles of happiness and joy and praise for my artistry or my writing or style or personality, started popping up more and more darkness and corrosive, ugly black death... all stemming from a solitary situation/person.
I hate to go back and blame everything bad that has ever happened on one person. I know that this is my life and these are my choices and this is what I have done. but because I was who I already was, which was a rather naïve, overly trusting, broken spirit grasping at straws.... it only took one hair on the devil's pinky to lead me astray. and that's exactly what happened.
when dallas came home that night, I told him about how id been reading my notes and analyzing things and how id forgotten so much, how I was reading all of this and beginning to remember who I was (its the scariest thing to realize that you aren't who you think you are, in my case I was a wisp of who I felt I was, trying to stretch that as best as I could. in percentages, id say ive been functioning on about 3%), and how....sad, I am for myself because of all the things that happened and kept happening. it just hurts me to see a person suffer through things like that, when they themselves never had and would have never done their worst enemy in such ways.
its taking a lot to keep myself together, but I am basically coming out of an 8 year life coma. all i can keep repeating to myself is what i asked dallas, "why didn't anyone save me?" because as I'm sitting here, envisioning myself as a few separate people going through the things of their present, it had to have been clear to someone, somewhere. i don't want to get into it too much right now, because theres even more of a grudge for my parents starting to grow because...how could they make my life the way it was, and then let me take the scraps of myself and do just so much worse, and become so much worse than i ever thought possible?
they will never know the terrible, humiliating, filthy, evil, low, disgusting things i have done, because i have to hold my head high and keep my dignity intact. but for them to never have fully given the effort i needed from them.....
how dare they.
i cant forgive people who don't know why they should be forgiven, but i cant not do it either because it hurts me too much. I'm trying to find my balance of caring for others and caring for myself, I'm trying to make that as even as possible because i NEED to care for others, but i also NEED to take care of myself. it is absolutely necessary. i cant live like that anymore.
so. with dallas by my side, i should be shining extra bright again in about 5-8 years. my recovery is going to be a slow and hard process, but in the end, "every little thing, is gonna be alright." theres a tiny panic button going off inside, like, FIVE TO EIGHT YEARS?!?!?! OH MY GODDDD, but then theres a more reasonable voice inside that is saying, "obviously, and this is just a guestimate for a grace period, its going to take much longer than that BUT." i am much more acceptant of myself everyday.
to calm myself further, i have to realize that life isn't about the person to person moment to moment memories thing of how i have always lived. most of my memories are cataloged into their own areas of mess based on who i "loved" at the time, which music i was listening to, what drug i was doing. i suppose my life is like that to me because I'm a fickle virgo and i prefer to use a label maker instead of just float on in the floof. but I'm now giggling to my future self because i chose a life path which is going to make me have to live in many different places throughout, so before i know it, ill be able to tag on some emotions and memories to the feels of different parts of the country.
that's so intriguing!
2:30 pm - 06.30.16