gaw im completely exhausted. i only got about 5 hours asleep last nite...
it was cuz my dad taking away my phone just made me like attack the shit outta him. i screamed and i screamed and i screamed, i did NOT care about what i said to him. and then he started on me about the trust thing and the fact that i lost his, and that i was irresponsible, and then he said something about me having no self-discipline cuz i was not able to stop screaming at him no matter how hard i tried, and then i said "OH MY GOD YOU OF ALL PPL TELLING ME ABOUT SELF-DISCIPLINE! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT AT ALL TO TELL ME ABOUT SELF-DISCIPLE!!!"
and then it got really quiet, and i swore i saw my life pass before my eyes in the seconds that seemed to drag on like days. i was so scared of what was going to happen... and the least expected thing happened.
he went completely nice on me and said "it's ok" after i said i was sry. he changed the subject to something about how i should be in bed between 10 and 10:30 every night so i can get a goodnights sleep. and then he went to bed and shut my door.
and i just completely lost it. i could not stop crying for like 2 hours. i hated it. i couldn't stop thinking about how i lost control over the one thing i could keep control over, my thoughts. about how it broke my heart every time id say something to richard and then he'd completely ignore me and act like i didn't even exist. how all i wanted to do was be happy, to be free...
and i sat there and just made myself stop crying. and then i couldn't sleep at all because there was this immense pain in my chest that i could not get rid of. all i could do was turn up my music and scream into my pillow to get rid of the feeling for seconds after i stopped, and then it would come back again.
i thought i was going insane. all i could do was sit there and scream, and ridge up my body so stiff to try and stifle some of the pain. it was bad.
i guess i fell asleep sometime after that when it had died down a little bit, slightly hypnotized by the singer of staind's voice in "so far away" and "how about you" (complements of kristen).
but yea. o well, its good now. i almost cried in geography today, but really it's cool now. im talking to jacob, and it's almost like the past. he's makes me happy... we should go out...
6:02 p.m. - Sept. 08, 2004
Recent entries:
07.06.16//there's one broken cobblestone still clinging to the bridge
06.30.16//digression of glitter, shiny, and sparkle!
06.27.16//half a life ago
12.15.11//sometimes, you've got to love what's good for you.
09.26.11//you are my beginning to my never-end
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