i decided, this is necessary. im waiting on 110 pictures to upload to facebook, so i need to vent.
WHY THE FUCK DO I LOVE YOU, YOU STUPID BASTARD!?
please, please explain to me what draws me to you. why i constantly dont give a flying fuck that you verbally abuse me.
i think, maybe, its cuz i understand you. as long as i kno why, it actually makes pretty much anything easier to tolerate. just like my coping mechanism is to not talk to you, yours is to tell me you love me and then lie about it later because of some pathetic, insignificant detail thats only half -if not at all- true.
im sick of you.
i hate your stupid guts, i have something nice going on for me and all i can think about is you.
thank you for reminding me why i didnt talk to you, why i had you blocked, why i had your number on the reject list.
cuz sometimes -actually, most of the time- i cant handle your sick, twisted soul.
im so pissed off at you. and i told myself never again would i feel this desperate to make everything ok between anyone and myself but family.
it isnt WORTH it, even tho it feels a million times more worth it than half the things i do everyday.
let me remind myself, again, why you are poison and why he is not.
hmm, his family and he took ethan and i in with loving embrace automatically. this is EXTREMELY important to me. we havent even been dating for a month and they are more than happy to have him visit. in fact, they ASKED for me to bring him over. TWO members, or maybe FOUR, did! and i HIGHLY DOUBT that the words "change your blood" would EVER come out of his mouth directed at my son. for that you should be shot in the chest with a rifle. by me. i dont give a motherfuck if you hate his father. he is MY son and you WILL respect me enough to fuck off with that bullshit. ok. hmm. if i can remember correctly, 3wks in im pretty sure we had some ignorant argument probably started by you. well he might play his video game a little too much, he might be a little strange, but he never disrespects me and is NEVER rude, never crude, never an asshole.
honestly, none of anything he is has anything to do with you. i didnt get with him because im distraught over you. granted, i AM, regardless of how many times i deny it. but it was like angels placed him beside me to make me remember that love isnt supposed to be difficult or stupid, that there are nice, gracious, and wonderful people in the world. to remember that it is OKAY to be me, to have made mistakes, to enjoy life because theres no point in being so negetive and so worried and so sad all the time. the man is happy all the time, like i USED to be before i surrounded myself with constant cynicism. its a little annoying, but atleast i dont have to walk on eggshells. i can say all the stupid things i want, i can be weird, i can listen to my music and not be berated for it (in fact, he LIKES most of anything that i listen to, and he listens to it too!), and i enjoy being with him. my sunshine.
i feel more sane now, not planning the rest of my life based on circumstances at this point. i could thank you for that, if i wanted. but i dont have shit to thank you for, really. just maybe thanks for teaching me not to wear my emotions on my sleeve. and thanks for constant beatdown that turned me numb (which i call "understanding"). thanks for making me feel bad for not tolerating this bullshit from other people cuz i did it for you.
what is it about love that makes us think its ok to do things unorthodox?
but lord, when have i EVER been orthodox.
i feel like bella, but i still think with my mind. i have more practical reasoning than she does. she was selfish, and rather stupid. she let her heart lead her rather than letting her mind have a say-so too. you're edward and he's jacob. and im still gun-ho for team motherfucking jacob.
edwards a self-righteous jerkoff, who gives a shit if he loves her soo much? he left her. and tore her heart to bits. shes stupidly desperate over him.
bella, get a goddamn clue.
11:07 am - 12.15.11
Recent entries:
08.02.22//castle of glass
08.01.22//the next entry
08.01.22//because i was sent to warn you, the devil's in the next room
07.06.16//there's one broken cobblestone still clinging to the bridge
06.30.16//digression of glitter, shiny, and sparkle!
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