wow its been a while.
nearly a month.
a lot has changed in my brain in the last 28days. slowly its gotten worse.
ive been slacking off on my life. ive been slacking off on alot of things. i dont really kno why. im just not fucking feeling it.
im not happy. not anymore.
the pretend-to-be-ok was working for about 2weeks.
and then i needed distraction.
and now my distractions arent working.
i dont think they ever did....
"distraction from what?" you kno what. how could you possibly ask like you need an explanation?
i kno that im not happy cuz i feel like im not allowed to love...moreso not allowed by myself, because im training myself like i should have a long time ago. telling me the right, rather- appropriate, things to do in the cases i get myself into. instead of flinging it to the wind and doing and feeling like meredith would.
for example, this. i should not be hanging on and waiting and wanting to spend every free moment ive got with you and still texting you and still thinking youre the best.........because im not receiving this in return. im setting myself up for failure.
BUT. AGAINST ALL THAT IS "RIGHT",
i still feel these things exactly. its the truth, every word, ever feeling. i still want to do exactly all that, hang on, wait a little longer, its so worth it. and its fucking killing me...i cant resist, i cant hold back, i cant let go.
"well if im going to wait, might as well wait for the best, right?"
how long, how long??
i can only hold onto this thing string for so long. sooner or later, its going to snap and im going to fall. im feeling this is close.
who knows.
i feel like an idiot every time i go into these rants, cuz it usually flip-sides after i post.
i suppose now i can only hope for this?
besides all that. on the distractions note, i have no true friends, or so i feel. this is my fault. whos true friend have i ever been? many a person has given me many a chance that i never took and i let them down.
damn, kharma is a bitch.
and school is very close to completion. ive got to start studying for my written exam, and getting my requirements done. school is a primary example of my slackation (wow, thats a cool word i invented). ive about 130hours left......
GOD. BAHH!!!
honestly, im miserable. whichever route i take with this entry, i cant get away from wanting to rant on about how crushed my chest feels all the time.
i need some relief.
i just want to see you.
i dont care if its only on the stage and you never once look at me. i just want to see your beautiful face in front of me.
dammit man. dammit. i dont want you to be the best, i dont want to think you're the best, I WANT SOMEONE ELSE TO BE BETTER, PLEASE ANYONE!
but i kno this isnt true (how do you kno, you're just a loving fool),
my heart wants nothing of the rest of the world (i swear, ive tried),
its set on you...its fucking set (and its quite unhappy, however set and right it feels it is).
im so much happier when i can love...and when im loved back...
i fucking hate this. i fucking hate this part of me.
realizing this stupid soulmate search and lovesick bullshit i do is me....makes it so hard to go against.
i cant possibly go against myself! isnt that the point of my changing this crap id become?
it just doesnt work with the rest of the world, this real me. goddamn you, heart. goddamn you, brain. goddamn you, meredith. this god doesnt exist, but i swear if they did, id ask him to strike you down in your stupid, selfish footsteps. id hope you'd be running so you fall and scrape your face. then you'd have something to complain about.
fucking rediculous. i dont kno how to feel, or how to feel...
why did i have to find you so soon? ida been alright with not knowing you existed...this is hard, not trying for this, not getting to try, nothing else compares; its all useless and pitiful and existance itself feels meaningless, as it is...
this distance is in my heart now.
3:38 pm - 06.27.10
Recent entries:
07.06.16//there's one broken cobblestone still clinging to the bridge
06.30.16//digression of glitter, shiny, and sparkle!
06.27.16//half a life ago
12.15.11//sometimes, you've got to love what's good for you.
09.26.11//you are my beginning to my never-end
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
hiv
fangbanger
onelilwitch
gypsyxdance
all2soon
pirate-witch
jackthripper
degausser
bloodinblack
imaginative-
midnightrum
annaisana