cut to the quick: this is ENTRY ONE THOUSAND.
ahahaha, FUCKING FANTASTIC! this makes me very, very pleased. beyond explanation i assure you!!
and so. ive decided im going to go from the very beginning to the now, and nutshell it into an entry of one epic journey of a girl that sits in my chair. so...this should be fun. here we go!
this will all explain why yesterday is important for the existance of today.
boy was i a dramatic 13yr old. my fucking god. i cant fathom that i even thought this way once. i was so stuck in my little world....and everything was quite dramatic and useless for my real life...the one i wanted. all meaningless. worthless, every thought really. ill give myself credit, i was thinking, but i wish i had been less self-absorbed. id be much better off, as i am now. life was at a standstill then.
maybe i can write my whole high school year into this name. and people can read about me.
read.
like a book. that was february 3rd, 2004. i cant tell you the great feeling i have, remembering wanting that then, and now knowing i have it. patience is a virtue because in the end it all pays off. really and truly.
on june 21, 2004, i wrote about the "rockers be mixing, stolen title" cd i was burning. funny thing, ive been listening to this cd the past couple of days. music will forever be the ultimate creator of contentment for me. :]
boy, the more i read these entries, the more i realize that my one most great mission in life, has always been love. ALWAYS! ive obsessed about it as long as i could and taken myself to the most unnecessary depths and back...on a search, on a mission. and this is only the beginning!
summer 2004, the summer before freshmen year, i was grounded the entire summer. this is when my mind really changed. i had so much time to think, i had been grounded since february. and then there was a set of maybe...2 or 3 weeks where i wasnt grounded, end of school to early summer, and then i became grounded again. why? i snuck out of my house and took my moms car to wharton. at 14!! i had driven...5 or 6 times TOTAL? and when i left my friends house, i went home to find my house phone ringing, with my friends dad on the other line.....with news to tell my parents. i had been grounded so long already...i just didnt care at that point. locked away again? ok. dandy. FUCKINGDANDY!!!!
hemhem. scuse me. :]
it was something i had to do, apparently, something i had to go thru in my life for all other things necessary...trap myself in my mind and make me figure it all out. boy was i misled. but would i kno what i kno now? no sir, id quite not. it was all necessary.
one thing i miss greatly, is that i used to write ALOT of poetry. for example,
...i thought i was invincible, like i could fix it all, but then the world came crashing down, and with it i did fall.
this feeling i accepted, but wondered why and when, to kno just what had caused it, will that determine when it ends?
if he had only listened, if i had only spoke, maybe it'd be different, and the feeling be awoke.
maybe im hullicinating, maybe its just me, but i see what i am feeling, and there's nothing left to see... written on june 8, 2004. quite dramatic isnt it?
also, in this time period, i used to write nearly religiously, every day, maybe more than one entry. as much as i could, whatever i could, just because.....why dont i do that anymore? i suppose my needs are different now. yes, thatd be correct.
music was very, very important to me. i never didnt listen to music. at times, it was the MOST important and wonderful thing in my life. more powerful than love in my eyes. music was an expression of the soul...thru music. it was greatness on every level.
the more i read...ill be tracking back to this many a time i think.
....why was i never about myself? its always been about finding himhimhimhim.... all thru my self-loathing, my world-despising, antics and lack of control....WHO THE FUCK IS THIS MAN I WANT AND NEED?
why do i need you so? and when i find you, what then? what will become of my purpose, my necessary being?
will my life into the hands of another, because i cannot contain myself...
why is there so much of me in this tiny body?
i wanted to see what happened after i experienced the "real" world, many many more people than myself, again. when i entered highschool, my mind shifted a complete 180 from
a very uppity telling of my supposed loss of my purse
to
entry 400, a telling by someone who was quite fed up with the hatred in this world. in a matter of 3monthes.
you kno, when i realized what was really going on in the world, and they were not doing and thinking and feeling as i was....i was shocked. i knew what i felt was right. seriously! how could these people have it SO wrong when it was SO easy!? it hurt so much that the world was so hateful and evil and cruel...how could one loving human being do that to another? and then i figured out that most of the love in this world had fleed to very small but far spread corners of even tinier places....almost completely nonexistant.
and so, i started to hate. i hated everything. i hated, hated, hated...and i attached myself to this misery and hatred, again in my quest for this nameless, faceless man i knew held the love i was looking for...
think of a cyclone combined with a tornado, all the water and objects and dirt flying around in a downward spiral, side to side, systematic chaos. and then suddenly its all over, and ure thrown to some random place you didnt kno you'd be, and it fucking hurts when you hit the ground. and you're lost. so far away from where you had been standing, so dizzy you dont kno which direction is up. this is how the next days and nights for the future 4years and some-odd days seem to have gone.
i should have not put up with so many lies within myself. WHY, did i lie TO myself? i justified it at all the times, it was everyone else lying to me....so many lies.
so yea. i dont kno. im in a mellow mood. i texted phillip this morning and i said "phillip... would you ever cheat on me?" and he told me no and that he loved me and wanted me forever so why would he screw up something so great like this and blah blah blah all his lies...
at the time this hurt me so badly. good thing i laugh about it now. but i also laugh at my stupidity. laugh for alot of reasons. fucking rediculous.
and so, at this moment in my life, april 2005, i was stuck on determined. motherfuckingde.ter.mined. not to lose. i was going to win, whatever it was that i was about to win, i was getting it. end of story.
and i did. exciting isnt it?
i think about it now, as it was too easy. and thats why it was easy to keep going, it was easy to go after in the very beginning. i knew it was an easy win. oh such laziness.
thank god that love is not about the kill anymore. thank fucking god. id been lost in this world forever.
so what do you do when you kno exactly whats going on in your life at every moment, what its going to lead to, why it is and why it will be?
when you're young, you run with it. you blow off the every stab of pain in your brain because you're not listening to it and it doesnt hurt so bad anyway. what really matters right now is..., you're the only person that thinks this way, it must be wrong........
the people around me were lost too. you cannot find yourself or anything else, when you are with people who are lost ALSO! i should have surrounded myself with people who knew what they were doing. but i thought i knew what i was doing. thought, thought, thought.
and so with this mindset, i felt accomplished in my pathetic existance. i knew what was going on. i knew. ha.
and only when it became too much, anything can be too much for someone who is lost, i took it out on myself improperly. this seemed to be very, very often too. after all, it was my fault anything was the way it was in my world...i was allowing it to be. i wasnt stopping it. maybe if i cut myself just a little deeper this time, id see the blood and really see myself exist, finally existing, not the girl i was pretending to be. shed my skin and reveal myself to the world.
it was all i ever wanted. and i felt for so long that everything i ever was was so subdued, so contained, so not allowed by this world. and i thought, FUCK this world. which meant, fuck this meredith. cuz i am of the world. didnt see that then tho. the world was just a place i was in, and had little to do with my actual existance. now i kno, i am its.
it consumed me. it was all i ever could think about, the pain and the raw skin under the million bracelets i wore. and then, i had a falling out with myself. one fleeting thought while i was holding a beach towel completely soaked in my own blood and i was still bleeding...i dont want to die. i dont want to destroy myself, anymore. i want to love myself. i want to love. properly. i want to be myself. i cant be myself and hide myself also. i dont want to hurt. i hurt enough! why am i hurting myself more? it didnt make anything right, it complicated things, and nothing ever went away....
i dont want to die. i never did. and when i realized i had gotten to this point where that was the next step, i stopped. not completely all at once. it was like an addiction, a weening process, that followed into...
the world was a much much better place, suddenly. why? drugs.
(where did "i dont want to die" go?!)
i could sit there and not be miserable. i could not want to cry every moment. i could not feel judged, freeing myself ever slightly. i felt better when i walked down the halls at school, better when i told people what i thought and why it was. i felt...better.
i was already feeling trapped in my relationship that i was working hard to keep. i could go to school and forget about it, be fucked up and appreciate life and love my friends. school wasnt about school anymore. school was the place, not the learning. i was lost walking those halls...asking questions for other reasons, and it was nothing anyone else was ever talking about.
addicts are addicts forever, arent they? i consumed so many triple c's, so many pain killers, so many other drugs i cant even remember because i cant remember the whole school year. physically cant. its disgusting.
and between december 2006 and march 2007, i wrote 7entries. SERIOUSLY?! so much space and time, lost. entry 1000 shouldve came years ago at the rate i was going.
on april 19, 2007, i wrote
sometimes we have to do things so wrong
to make things so right again.
so when does the guilt begin?
HA! i think im actually winning!
(this fight against myself...)
i think this is around the time i started to come out of my depression, and started seeing life a little for what it was. that i wasnt happy, for however much i was pretending to be. i was starting to think it was OK to be myself, not be the person i created to please everyone else. and then i realized how stuck i was, that i couldnt suddenly switch.....everything had worked up to this moment in such a way, that i had to follow suit, because i created it! i had to keep going if i wanted it to work. had to.
so my conflicts with life started to be about everyone else instead of me. i started to learn that i was ok...but that everything else around me was a little screwy. but what worked at the time, was going with the flow. and so i did, i was all about working it out. i can conform for the sake of ease.
and so...when i became pregnant, instead of making the best decision for the sake of an unknowns life, i made it easier on the rest of my world and had an abortion. it was the best and worst thing that happened to me. best, because ethan came later, among alot of other better things in his beautiful baby wake. worst, because i am a murderer. i killed my first, my own, child. for easiness. and from then on, i made up for my mistakes by making more mistakes...rebelling against the exact opposite people i shouldve.
summer 2007, made the decision that i was going to go back to senior year only as long as i had to, til i was 18 and free from the tyrants that were my parents. and on my 18th birthday, i went and signed myself out of bay city high school. and a few days later, packed up and moved to college station.
well, the world had had it with me fucking up. i had gone too far and it was time that i learned that. so i got FUCKED. royally, fucking fucked. everything that was my wonderful little world crashed and burned horribly. for monthes. and in these months, at the beginning, i became pregnant again. i couldnt possibly kill another baby. HOW could i? my situation was even worse than it was 6monthes ago...but at the time, all my world was tuned in on making my wretched "love" work...the "love" that had created all this mess in the first place, the "love" that created the first baby that was now gone, the "love" that created this second baby that i wasnt about to label insignificant. and so i decided i was STILL so damn determined, even tho my heart was broken and completely out of love....i was going to make it work.
and i did. i created the perfect relationship out of the scraps that we had, for this little boy that needed these scraps to be whole and real. i made his life wholesome. my whole concern was his happiness. ill feel pride in saying that even tho ive been miserable and faking it the better half of the last 2years, im damned good at accomplishing what i want when i want it. and ive got an inhuman amount of PATIENCE. like planting a flower garder and watching it all grow from seeds...
these flowers were so ugly. they decayed from the inside out. slowly, so you couldnt even tell the difference day by day.
motherhood is hard when you're unhappy. its hard in general. but all i wished everyday was that i felt that happy mommy-daddy-baby thing, the ones that you see on the 50s episodes in their little cottages with the white picket fence...
i knew sooner or later that my little cherade had to end. it was getting sickening, and very very hard to pretend. it was ruining me, which was ruining my chances at being the me that was to raise my child.
i got thrown into the "real" world, the real, real world, in january 2009. cosmetology. in a room full of people id never met and didnt kno. their influence was masterful. it is amazing what can happen to a person when you just step outside the boundaries of the little bubble youve lived in your whole life. the world is a much much different place, other places than here.
and i started to think correctly. not correctly, overridden with better intention. COMPLETE correction, whether right, wrong, or otherwise. which meant...i was living a lie. id known this all along. i wasnt living. where had i gone? why had i let the world take place of the importance of my own life? id lost myself some time ago, in all that hectic swirling haze...
and so. i decided to step back and think for a second. what did i need to do? how far did i have to trace back to figure out where the problem started....it was so far back. and then i realized what the problem was. what i had been living my whole life for up til then. this "love" BULLSHIT. i was insulting my heart, my intelligence, pretending to be in love and pretending to love and pretending to be happy about it. i could have been spending my years loving my friends, family, everyone else who deserved it...received it back in return...been a little better, much less confused. but instead, i tried for the impossible, succeeded, and god it was the worst accomplishment ever.
SO. i came upon the last couple of monthes. i made MAJOR recollections of everything that is myself.
i WAS going to be a writer, an artist, a free spirit, a good mom. i WAS going to be happy, i was going to have intelligent conversations BECAUSE THERE WERE GOING TO BE PEOPLE AROUND TO DO THAT WITH! i WAS going to get out of this blackhole fucking cage id been in and deteriorated down to dust....i WAS going to feel good about being ALL of me and NOTHING i had created up.
i was finally going to be me.
and when i made this best, most wonderful decision ive made for myself in the past 5years, GOOD THINGS started to happen! its how the earth proved to me what i was doing was right.
she even handed me a wonderful man, who may be just what i need, to prove how wrong i had been about so many things, how much better it is supposed to be. someone who expects better of me, someone who wants to hear my thoughts! someone who isnt going to crush my every feeling with their ignorance.
i finally feel like im myself. its beautiful and amazing! and i have a lot of help in progression from a very wise, very intelligent man. ive taught myself to look at the world quite differently, and its all because i looked at you differently...and all because you looked at me differently.
i havent been asking the right questions til now, eh? or BETTER yet, ive not been asking the right people! or anyone at all? :]
i suppose, influence is everything to me. music, food, tv, friends, lovers...nothing will ever get better than music, food will always be here to satisfy or dissatisfy, tv is unimportant and meaningless on most levels, friends are your past, present, and future forevers, lovers can be either everything or nothing. everything comes and goes as it has always done...what you do with it is your life.
life, btw, is quite much simpler than it seems. but because we are so intelligent, we've looked past the fact that we are just. humans. creatures, of this earth, that can do ALOT of things. we were made to love, we were made of love. but we cling to complications...when problems and all of the above that i went thru, could be avoided completely. breathe, because you can. everything is going to be ok.
heres to 1000 irreplaceable entries of my life, and heres to 1000 more! cant wait to do this again. and im sure every word will be much more beautiful than the last...
and always, thanks diaryland. i am in your debt. you've made life much much larger than itself. :]
yesterday matters. you couldnt think today, if not for yesterday....this is how i feel.
11:37 am - 04.27.10
Recent entries:
07.06.16//there's one broken cobblestone still clinging to the bridge
06.30.16//digression of glitter, shiny, and sparkle!
06.27.16//half a life ago
12.15.11//sometimes, you've got to love what's good for you.
09.26.11//you are my beginning to my never-end
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