how psycho would it be to say that i love you?
AHA! OMG!!!!!
alrite, hold up.
i am in a state of pure psychosis right now.
let me back up.
reeeewiiinnddddd.
alrite. what day did i last write? damn. i have to start all the way back there?
ok. december 22.
oh wait, i really should start with november 19 (megan lennon's bday...lol). rusty moves back to bay city. alrite. from there, it was basic.
so december 22. starts the drama. decided...i was with friends, i did not want to go back to phillip. so i didnt. ever again, from that moment til now.
fucking hardest thing ive ever done in my life. and i lie, saying that. because that isnt the hardest thing ive ever done. the hardest thing i ever did was staying with his motherfuckin ass. after everything. so desperate for something to work like i wanted it to! so desperate....desperation makes me sick to my stomach. alrite. but yea.
that nite, i stayed the nite at rustys. well....he made it clear to me that he liked me, but he didnt want to be with me. "its complicated". it is NOT complicated. he wants to have his cake and eat it too. but. so.
suddenly. i had a little hope in something, and then crash....bangboom. owch. yea.
hit that brick wall fucking hard.
it hurt.
but. before all of this began, a little birdy :] slipped me a cd. crashlove. the entry before this? song number ten on my cd with 4bonus tracks..."ok, i feel better now."
and then i did. after i listened to that song, took in the words and their meaning to my heart.
decided id never wait on anyone ever again.
and so i became cold-hearted.
which is fine. it was meant to be. rusty is not the same person he was. his heart is broken...i understand. its a perfect reaction for someone such as him.
i do feel a little foolish. but how do i not be a fool, when i clearly ASK "am i being a fool if i think..." and they do not tell me i am wrong!?
but. rusty came back to shine some light into my world. remind me what i should/could be feeling, and what im missing out on.
so.
in the between of these past 2weeks, i wasnt supposed to be feeling contradictory feelings toward him, tho i was. i felt like he was playing with my head. you cant tell me those things, look at me that way, touch me that way, and then tell me its all the opposite. OH NO. i have a problem with consistency in my life. it is a MUST. i will not deal with these flip-floppy headgames bullshit.
(note: the detail changes dramatically at this point. no more vague annoyedness. thus begins, pure bliss.)
anyway. so one day. im randomly adding all these ppl on myspace cuz i wasnt allowed to do this before. well when i was done and couldnt really find anybody else, i figured it be cool to add a few ppl i didnt kno so i could maybe get to kno them...
i need friends.
well. i add this guy named james sheahan. he looked cool, im not even sure why i added him at all. in fact, i didnt even add anyone else i didnt kno after that......strange. well. anyway. i do that.
we comment back and forth a few times. i figured out after i added him, that he was in starlit summer! awesome to find out. tays mom tells me hes a good guy. well i tell him i want to kno more about him. so he messages me and gives me his phone number (wasnt expecting that, but COOL). after a few days of being like "wtf why would he give me his number if hes never gonna txt back?", i figure out i had put his number in my phone wrong... x] well i txt him. like the 29th or somethin i think it was.
-it is terrible, i cant remember anything...my brain hurts.-
we txt a few within the next couple days, just random chitchat. well one nite, maybe like the...2nd? i think maybe? im txting him. he tells me that if i wanted to come hang out with him, i could. he lives in wharton, with daron. i was like ok you kno what? i dont have anything else to do, i dont feel like waiting on rusty anymore...im going to go. i felt like i should go and find out if it was worth going there or not. ha.
by myself, i drove to go meet some guy i had barely talked to and i didnt kno anything about...that i met on myspace. aha, i couldve died...
anyway. i get there. he is. strikingly handsome to me. SO MUCH BETTER LOOKING than on myspace. when does that ever happen?! anyway. i go inside, chill with him and his dad. we're listening to oldies music and smokin dro. it was comfortable. he talked so much, i loved listening to him say words...and he was so animated. what a character!
(his outfit matched the button i have on my purse....but thats a different story. idk what to do about THAT. :])
anyway! i end up. totally adoring this guy! he is. PERFECT (i say perfect, cuz i cant find a better word, seriously). it was like. instant click. attachment. by the end of the nite, i wanted to tell him i loved him and run away with me. aha, oh crazy.
so i asked him if he wanted to go to sugarland on monday with me, cuz i was going to see rita on her day off, had to pass thru wharton...
well i didnt think i was going to get to see him that day. i call him when i reach wharton in the afternoon, and he answers...yay! he said he just woke up, but he'd go with me...so. he did.
the drive up there was fantastico. i dont think i could ever tire of hearing him speak.
and we went to the mall and hung out with rita and smoked spice. went into random stores and he walked with, me. :]
after that, we left and went back to his house. my dad was trippin balls on me for not being home by "5 or 6" like i said id be. it was like midnite...and so i left.
then i txted james and told him i was sry i had to leave. ida stayed if i could...
and he said "im glad i got you as long as i did".
OH! WHATTT!? AHAHAHAH COOL.
then "i dont hang all over just anyone. heh, but once i start, lol, uh yea. :O"
then "you're really easy to hang around and sexy as hell too"
SQUEE!
"yea, im glad im getting to kno you".
CHYEA, ME TOO DUDE.
so then i read his blog on myspace. it inspires me to write my own. i tell him, so he'll read it. i felt like it was a piece of me for him to get to kno. you can tell alot about a person thru their writing. but anyway.
at the end, i slipped in that i love kissing.
he txts me "btw, i like kissing too ;)".
im like dude i will smooch your face off. dont play with me! ahaha.
so. skip a day and then i go and hang out with him again. i almost didnt, because i was hanging out with rusty and had taken a lot of painkillers and was superfucking tired when 11 rolled around. so i told rusty i was going to go to home and sleep. but i decided id rather go see james.
so glad i did. i stayed there all nite. i got to kiss him. ohmygod. i thought i was going to have a heart attack! it was AMAZING! to feel that way, loving the kiss, and then open my eyes and to see who it is...
perfect.
i want to end it right there. i am content thinking of that moment. well, i could slip in the friday night at 2am, where i snuck him into my house and we made out for more than half the time. he left at 6:30 after a brief introduction to my mom. haha. that was awkward.
i fell asleep still tasting, smelling, and feeling him. it was blissful.
later that afternoon, i am told "i really like kissing you too. so much so i didnt want to stop", melt, "i thought of a hundred things to say to that and i cant believe im stuck with 'im really liking you too'", still melting... "you often leave me speechless and blushing inside", melttttt, i get addicted to things i like, and fast", melt, "dont worry, theres more to come".
and then he came over again last nite. id rather not get into that. there was a major overreaction on my part (cuz he reacted but i had no idea what for), and everything is fine now. i just do not like to be left high and dry to not kno what to expect...it kills me greatly.
ill not tell him he made me cry...
cuz im a fucking retard.
ok so i thought a face should complete this wonderful entry about my new friend...ive had this picture up the entire time ive been writing this, looked at it a few times in between. it makes me want to squee. oh such nonesense!!
i thought this captured his james~essence as i see it. so wonderful...
ohh james! he is my LOVE, wrapped up in one awesomely irish, freckled ball...ohhhahaha. i love him. i cant be stupid and hold myself from saying that, when thats all my heart is screaming at me right now....death to my heart! SHUT THE FUCK UP!
sigh. im such a lovesick fool...
for an auburn haired, freckle-covered, ex-marine, piano-playing, actor...
im sure glad they make ppl out in space to send down to us when we're all out of hope... :]
"its all good in the hood."
12:30 pm - 01.08.10
Recent entries:
07.06.16//there's one broken cobblestone still clinging to the bridge
06.30.16//digression of glitter, shiny, and sparkle!
06.27.16//half a life ago
12.15.11//sometimes, you've got to love what's good for you.
09.26.11//you are my beginning to my never-end
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