you dont care that much to read my diary,
not that you ever understood what half the shit meant anyway
nor did you care
unless it had something to do with you.
my whole life has something to do with you.
imagine that.
but where im going with this?
here's everything.
the truth.
as well as i can explain it.
im sure it wont surprise most of the ppl who read this.
i suppose ill start with the one most important thing.
im in love with somebody
that isnt the guy im with, or my baby's father.
he isnt even in this same state, let alone same city.
he prolly doesnt even kno the extent of what i feel for him.
time and time again i wonder if im just a fucking idiot. what am i thinking? what am i feeling this for?
because. i feel deprived in the relationship i am so desperately clinging to.
i dont even LIKE him anymore.
im sure not in love with him. but what am i supposed to do?
this whole time ive been working my ass off to make sure that we stay together,
when now i wish i had just said FUCK IT and left it alone a long time ago.
...omg i cant believe im saying this...
and the thing is
i kno as soon as i leave him, my life will be better.
i want these other chances, im tired of being here for someone i feel nothing from except angst.
i guess...i just havent forgotten and cant forgive. he wonders why i hold grudges on him and bring up all the bad shit all the time.
because it MATTERS!
at the time, i just pushed it aside and let it go.
and now...theres too much, it all wants to come out...and its not relevant anymore.
needless to say, i want to rip your heart out and feed it to you. with a big cheesin smile on my face.
im nearly begging you to leave me. i cant find it in myself to do it.
maybe im a coward,
or maybe i feel STUPID for trying so hard to get to this point just to want to end it and get rid of it.
but thats my standing now.
im just going thru the days trying to get by til i can fix...this ness.
trying to get myself back into a happier prospective. everday i feel like im in this dark hole and its eating me alive.
its why i need drugs.
i need them to alter my reality so i can be happy.
weed doesnt help that...it just calms me down. its there at my finger tips and its cheap for quantity and time consumption. otherwise id be fucking doing something, anything else.
out of my mind.
the part of the world that pisses me off
is the part of ppl that damper the spirit of the rest who dont quite kno how to get along by themselves.
im so sick to my stomach that ive gone so long depending on you to make me happy that i cant do it for myself anymore.
damn where am i going with this?
um.
i want to be with the guy that makes me feel like i am the most amazing thing in this world
without saying a damn word,
without looking at me, or touching me.
i want to be with the guy that i feel like will make me better, happier. content.
i feel like mollie and alan...
i want my mikah.
im going to have to talk to her about that.
sigh. with all this said,
and so much...so fucking much...more to be said,
after i get out of school,
and i have money, and the means of taking care of myself and my child,
if you want to be with me, you're going to have to work your ass off to impress me and make me fall in love with you
because right now, you are one of my least liked ppl that i kno,
and there is better out there and i will go for it and leave you in the dust
wondering why.
and it will eat at you,
and ill be so far away.
how did we get here?
i think i kno...
and maybe its my fault,
so ill just be the one to destroy it.
was this was over before it ever began? time to get off this merry-go-round...
1:59 pm - 03.12.09
Recent entries:
07.06.16//there's one broken cobblestone still clinging to the bridge
06.30.16//digression of glitter, shiny, and sparkle!
06.27.16//half a life ago
12.15.11//sometimes, you've got to love what's good for you.
09.26.11//you are my beginning to my never-end
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