HOLY MOTHERFUCKIN SHIT.
tomorro i will have had my diary for 5years!!
i just clicked on a random diary (lust-) over in the corner, and the entry was talking about her looking at the entries written on this date in the past years.
i figured thats a good place to start, cuz i have no fucking clue what i was going to write about in here anyway.
cept that note to tay...but im pissed i didnt have a computer in front of me the moment i decided i was going to write it, cuz im not so passionate about it all now.
le sigh.
ok!
ill go from last year, to 06, to 05 and so on.
december 29, 2007
after hours
the thing i liked most about living with him
is that he didnt disappear when it was time for bed...
ok, there isnt actually an entry on december 29, 2006. theres one on december 14 and then january 1...so im going to use the december 14 one cuz its still in 06.
december 14, 2006
the art of life
so maybe
everything is how its supposed to be.
and any other way
is just wrong.
yet again...no entry for december 29, 2005...so im going to use december 25.
december 25, 2005
i think im ok
last nite, he rolled over, looked at me and said, "you're so perfect for me you kno that? no one's ever been this perfect for me before. you are so perfect. i love you..."
is it alrite to melt now?
smile.
december 29, 2004 doesnt exist either! grr wtf. ok im going to collab all the entries from the december 28 (theres 3).
december 28, 2004
content can't describe it
i just got off the phone, having had one of the best conversations i have ever had in my entire life.
it was so great. i cant really explain why. and i mean, we actually talked. it was just so good... i cant really explain it at all.
today's been such a good day and i thank all the ppl that made it good for me. thank you taylor, tara for giving me a ride, my mom for letting me go, jarrett, johnny, kris, and most especially justin. =)
the sweetest thing he said tonite? not that he just busted out with "you're beautiful". no, not even close.
"i want to take our relationship slow. slow... i guess that's the best way to put it."
im so happy i met someone like him. he's one of those ppl that change ur life around and dont even kno it. its so wonderful. =)
i sent him the email i wrote a few days ago. i figured hey, why the hell not, it's not going to end up bad anyway if he does read it. so why wait?
im so happy rite now.
---------------
the truth. tell me. tell them. i wish i could tell you.
well my day didn't go exactly as planned, but it was fun all-in-all till about 30 minutes ago when i got in the car. i swear, it's like he gives off a vibe that makes me want to scream and cry and get angry and shake and hate him. but oh well.
anyway, so i start my day out by getting the car and heading toward katy with taylor, tara, and mom (not my mommy- its just easier to say than 'mrs allen'- plus she's my mom for the most part anyway) in tara's red convertible mustang, because their van was still in the shop from having break problems.
30 minutes on the road, and there's this gramma in front of us that was going like 40 in a 65 area. and so tara goes to switch into 3rd or 4th gear. like 3x. and she cant do it, it wont let her. we start to smell this smell of burning rubber or something of that sort, and so we pull over and turn off the car. mom and tara switch seats and mom turns back on the car and tries to put it in 1st gear. it shifts fine, but when she pushes on the gas it just revs and we move nowhere.
5 minutes later justin calls. "hey whats up?" "oh, im just stranded on the side of the highway." "what??" -*hands the phone to tara*- -*hears mom say that the tower ppl can only pick up 2 ppl*- -*takes the phone from tara*- "justin, can you pick me and taylor up?" -*hears answer, talks a little bit more, then hangs up*- "aww!" -*kisses cell phone*-
and after about an hour and 1/2 of waiting for the tow truck to get there from edna (atleast 45 minutes away- wtf!), me and justin and taylor go back to bay city. then go to sonic. then get caught by a train. twice.
we meet up back at b-and-b muffler (car repair shop/place/thing) and tara and mom get in the back of justin's truck, and we drive to taylor's house. and then it all ends up in pizza, skating, and the first season of viva la bam on dvd.
and then my dad picks me up. and we go to sonic for the second time today that ive been there... and it was just awful.
what are you going to think about in 20 years when my kids ask you about my childhood? what are you going to say? are you going to lie and tell that everything was just perfectly ok and only say the fun parts of when i wasn't a real person, or are you going to tell them that you were an compulsive alcoholic and your daughter was so screwed up in her teen years that she was completely out of control of you and herself?
are you going to tell them that you were the reason she did horrible things that caused scars? are you going to tell them that it was you who made her such a horrible person? are you going to tell them that your wife did nothing to stop it? are you going to tell them that the only people she trusted her entire life weren't even close in blood relation?
what are you going to tell them? are you going to tell them that you cant remember every single night you've had for the last 15 years and during the days you did everything you possibly could to make the ppl around you lives miserable so that they blow up on you from all the pressure and end up getting stuck in the house of torture, all because of you? are you? are you???
i want to kno what you're going to tell them! tell me what you're going to tell them! TELL THEM THE TRUTH! TELL ME THE TRUTH! TELL EVERYONE THE TRUTH! tell them what you do to me and tell them why you do it! cuz if you wont tell me, TELL THEM SO THEY CAN TELL ME!
tell them why i sit there at the computer with my headphones blaring and my fingers typing away at lightning speed. tell them the reason for that, dad. because i kno you kno, you just dont want to admit it.
you dont want to admit the facts of life in this home house. your daughter sits there with music blaring in her ears because she's tired of you and everything else around in her this house and doesn't want to hear it. she sits there and types away because the only thing she can talk to is not even something that is alive. isn't that sad daddy? isn't it sad?
im sick of you and i wish you would just put it down for once. i wish you would just do it for me if you can't do it for yourself. i wish i could go to you and tell you these things, but i cant. i wish you would just stop trying to take control of my life, cuz the only reason you're trying to do that is because you dont have any control over your own. and you kno that. and when i point that out to you you ground me because of it. but im already ahead of your game. you think grounding me for thinking and saying that will make me forget about what i said because i wont want to say it or ill get in trouble. well, its not working. its not.
i wish i could tell justin these things. but he just wont understand. not yet. im not sure whether or not im overdramatic about this or not, and i dont want to take the chance of him thinking that i am. because right about now he's the best in the world that ive got besides taylor and im not about to throw it away on some silly little feelings that i have for the person that's made so many things go wrong in my life that they aren't even attempting to be right anymore.
o well. im going to go and make a cd. im just not quite sure of what yet, but when i do i kno it will be good. cuz all the music i have is good. music is good. i love music. i love my escape.
---------------
put me on a stretcher
just because YOU dont remember what happens when you take too many of your pills and drink, doesn't mean the rest of us dont.
why? i dont understand why they have to do this to me. i haven't done anything to them. it's not my fault that im here. if im such a burden on your life that you feel you have to become completely oblivious to me, just give me up and ill go somewhere else. simple as that. not like i want to be here anyway.
i dont want to go to ft worth, i dont. i really do not want to go. i wish there was some possible way that i could just stay here. id even completely clean the house spotless, not have any friends over, or anything. id not do anything im not allowed to, if you'd just let me stay here. i dont want to be alone with yall. not in the same room. for 4 days straight. i cant take that kind of pressure.
please stop screaming. please stop screaming. please stop screaming. i dont want to hear it anymore. please shut up please shut up please shut up. i dont want to hear you. just shut up.
i cant take it anymore. im falling apart and there's no where for the pieces to go. anywhere but here... please. let me leave. let me get out and not have to deal with it anymore.
i wish my mom or my dad would start to hit my again. please just start again, just do it one more time. i wish they would, so that they would hurt me enough to put me out to where i wouldn't have to hear anymore of it, or atleast into the hospital. and then the ppl in there would ask me how it happened, and id be free and away from this house. strangers could be my saviors.
please take me away...
and then december 30, 2003...the day i started my diary! i guess i shouldve waited til tomorro to add this entry lol...
december 30, 2003
the first secret entry
alright... i decided to change my thing on here, to make my real diary this name and not the other one, because my best friend knows the other one's name, and i don't feel like telling her everything. this is going to be the one about my true feelings and that one's going to glaze over my little boyfriend obsessions and whatnot.
anyway, today. it's boring as hell in this stupid stinky little town. i wish richard would come back. i feel like making out with him and -----, but it doesn't seem so bad as it did about 4 weeks ago when the big uproar was about erin and poor little fagwad melissa, who yet to admit that they are both the biggest sluts in the school.
and plus i trust richard with all my heart. ive never had a boyfriend like him before, guess just cuz ive never been allowed with my social status and whatever, and my age and maturity are heightening.
anyway... im still bored. but i feel like writing. im happy that i can write freely and truly about the things i want to in here, especially since taylor doesn't know about this name and im not going to mention it to her. she needs to fuck off once in a while, telling me she has secrets and all that, well i have them too. she'd flip ------.
so would my parents. i hate my mom with a pretty oversized passion, her stupid overweight self thinking that she rules me and can lay her jackass little hand on me whenever she feels. well too bad i don't take that shit she does anymore, and i told her that. she cannot just beat me whenever she feels. actually she can't beat me at all. i could do some serious damage to her if i really wanted. but i don't want. and think but don't do. it sucks.
that's why i pride in my brother so much. but just on the inside where no one can hear me. never the outside, i wouldn't dare tell him that i think he's awesome for saying things i can only think but never say to my parents. he just blows me away sometimes.
i feel like getting drunk with richard and some other people in his shed. ive never gotten drunk before, im sure it'd be pretty fun and id be a crackup to my ownself if i did. id hope that one of richard's friends, maybe eric, would tape what we did. id probably like poledance on the pole he has in the middle of his room, -----. i just hope it's when im drunk.
freaky little things. yeah, ------. the way they try to cover it up and hide it. just fuckin funny.
but amy and lexy said i should have been happier, since it was because of me. i guess i was happy on the inside, it made me smile a little. but i didn't get to see ----. -----.
hm... yes i didn't get to see but amy sure did, and i swear if she ever starts to like him i will hate her forever. and ever. because im sorry, he's mine.
and i know taylor likes richard. you should see some of the conversations she has had with him, and telling me that she knows him better than i do. well sorry if im being a little harsh, but wasn't it she that went out with him, but didn't want to? and wasn't it she that broke up with him in the first place? yes it was. she was the dumb loser who chose not to stay with him. well sorry bud, but he's mine now.
i left to go find myself, came back and nothin i left behind could ever be right again.
i think it's a good song quote. makin it up, i should think so. and my creative juices weren't flowing, i just wrote it.
me an undedicated loser? i think not.
11:33 am - 12.29.08
Recent entries:
07.06.16//there's one broken cobblestone still clinging to the bridge
06.30.16//digression of glitter, shiny, and sparkle!
06.27.16//half a life ago
12.15.11//sometimes, you've got to love what's good for you.
09.26.11//you are my beginning to my never-end
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