round and round, got to get off this merry-go-round...
im going to pretend the best i can, until its the truth. (its always worked, always worked.)
i am going to get over this, i am going to get thru this. because i am DONE with "this" and all of its ness.
i hate this, i dont want to be cold. i dont want to be cold.
it will be all my strength, this hurt and anger. it will fuel me to be the best and conquer everything that tries to defy me in my quest (rhyme time).
THIS is my epiphany. no drug couldve led me here.
it breaks my heart to even have to consider this, that i have to make myself feel things i absolutely do not...
what kind of fucked up world are we living in?
i used to write secret entries about different "you"s, there were very few then. there are many now. in order of how much space they occupy in my brain...
1you - used to be a creator of unreasonable happiness in me, but are now the only reason ive felt like crying the past three monthes. i thought you once to be the best man alive. now i have deleted you out of my phone and off of facebook...you surely shouldve tried harder to not be so predictable.
2you - have played with me too much that i kno all of your games by heart...you are almost nonexistant because ive become accustomed to this being fucked up beyond relief. and now you're hitched...who are you trying to fool?
3you - are a simple yet complicated piece of my puzzle...i dont kno if i love you or hate you, if i want you to die or live. all i kno is i wish i could take back everything i ever said to you, good or bad, and that we never took the time to even look at eachother...
4you - are surreal. your love is everything ive ever looked and wished for, but to have never seen you or touched you, how can i believe in it? i cant trust in my own feelings, let alone yours. but somehow i believe you are the one to save me...
5you - are a nice touch to complicating love in my heart. someone i "shouldve" been with when i was wasting my time. so far away, i worry about your safety. i dont want to like you, although i already have and do....i dont think i could live with the fear of possibly losing you.
6you - tantilizing and intriguing. i dont think we're in this for the same reasons, nor do i think i could ever win your heart if i wanted to...but floating in the same boat, there just might be something there...
7you - i feel like i was placed in your life at this precise moment to help you out. watching you grow and learn things teaches me lessons of my own lessons. i believe, a friend for life.
8you - are brand new oldness (the kind i like). i wish i had gotten to kno you more before now, but that is ok. i am quite glad to have been blessed to have the opportunity to speak to you. intelligence and wisdom are great virtues not many share.
i am a lovesick fool. where is the love?
please explain to me why this "love" is even important? WHY IS THIS SO IMPORTANT TO ME?!
this world brings me to tears. i dont kno if i should give up, the evidence overwhelmingly against me, or just fight harder...i surely am not the one to allow my efforts to be shown meaningless in the end...
how does one know when they're making the best choices? we dont really, do we?? we dont kno anything for sure. not if we're going to be breathing in 2seconds, not if someone really loves us, not if this world is going to melt from the inside out...
this is the hard part about being 20 and being a mother. im supposed to have myself planted and all figured out, feel good and fresh and recovered for the world, before i start to mold and raise a new life. its like always multitasking all the time, trying to guide myself down the right path as well as another. both things need 100% attention at all times. and i just cant do that, its not possible. either one thing has to be completely forgotten (the lesson ive learned here is to never forget oneself, because you eventually will have to backtrack and live life as you were supposed to anyway), or they both get about 50% effort. i am doing the best i can with the fragility of this situation. trying to keep my child happy and raised right, by myself in everything except monetary......and all i feel like i need is a little love from an outside source to keep me happy so i can do the rest of my life right. but no, i dont have that, and i am struggling....
i need to be ok within myself to be ok on the outside and raise my baby correctly.
you kno, on that note, ill just get angry and yell at you one more time, and stop crying and get over it.
YOU STUPID FUCK, I WAS FINE AND DANDY AND HAD GOTTEN TO A NICE PLATEAU OF UNDERSTANDING. AND THEN YOU HAD TO TRY AND MAKE EVERYTHING FINE FOR YOURSELF, TRY TO JUSTIFY YOURSELF TO ME, IM GLAD IT DIDNT WORK; YOU ARE SO SELFISH! NEXT TIME YOU WANT TO TALK TO ME, EXPECT A "GO FUCK YOURSELF." HOPEFULLY THEN YOU'LL REALIZE WHAT YOU'VE LOST AND IT'LL TEACH YOU THAT NO ONE IS EVER GOING TO BE PERFECT TO YOUR STANDARDS. IF YOU KEEP GOING ON WITH YOUR LIFE LIKE THIS, YOU WILL NEVER HAVE THE FUTURE THINGS BECAUSE NO ONE WILL BE AROUND TO PUT UP WITH YOUR BULLSHIT, OR YOU WILL NOT WANT THE ONES WHO WILL.
do i have you all figured out yet?
and all of this is because i cant get around the feelings of having lost my soulmate......and if indeed you are, i should be fighting against this stupidity, but what to do when you have no idea?
success is my only motherfucking option, failures not.
round and round, got to get off this merry-go-round...
4:21 pm - 07.18.10
Recent entries:
07.06.16//there's one broken cobblestone still clinging to the bridge
06.30.16//digression of glitter, shiny, and sparkle!
06.27.16//half a life ago
12.15.11//sometimes, you've got to love what's good for you.
09.26.11//you are my beginning to my never-end
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
hiv
fangbanger
onelilwitch
gypsyxdance
all2soon
pirate-witch
jackthripper
degausser
bloodinblack
imaginative-
midnightrum
annaisana