it hurts me alot to see my friends in such pain.
what is with this world and the ppl in it? always hurting ppl unnecessarily.
there is no point in making a good person's life hard, especially when they haven't done anything whatsoever to hurt you in return. i mean honestly, do you really get joy out of it?
and to think, im not sure about anything else other than my situations, but they are always in some way influenced by alcohol.
the world is going over the edge and being ruled by evil we cant control.
last nite my mom was screaming and hollering at me because she had been drinking. and she told me to help my brother with the computer. no, let him figure it out for himself. i did, why cant he? and so she calls up justin.
i hate it that she has his cell phone number memorized and thinks she has the right to call him whenever she pleases.
i get on the phone and i start screaming at her, and she as the fake person she is responds in a nice calm tone for me to 'please hang up'. i hang up and i just start screaming and screaming for her to never call my boyfriend again.
i hear she hangs up and i call justin back 5 minutes later. i tell him im sry for everything. and he asks me why i yell so much. i cry the hardest ive ever cried to another person before. i attempted to tell him why i was like that... he still doesn't understand. my parents are so fake. he's never going to see the real side unless they are caught off guard. and even then they are too good to get caught.
he tells me to give him 30 minutes and he'll be over there. i tell him no, i dont want him over here, and he says why do i not want to see him? and i say no i want you here, i just dont want you here. and he asks me what is so bad that happens over here that i wouldn't even want him to kno or see. i couldn't explain it. i just keep crying, keep saying im sry, keep saying that my mom is driving me crazy. he'll never understand. all he says is that i should be nicer to her because she's the one that gets me to be allowed to see him. but he doesn't get what she does to me inside. he just doesn't.
i get off the phone with him, and i start to clean my room. im still crying, but cleaning something is sort of an accomplishment and it keeps my hands preoccupied with something other than my skin.
he comes over and i answer the door. my mom tells justin that i 'need to talk to him privately outside'. and so we go outside. and i stand there, my arms crossed and my legs feeling like they're about to collapse. i just want to cry to him, tell him how much i hurt inside, how angry i am and i dont kno why. but he's happy. he starts bouncing up and down and saying goofy things. he starts to sing the abc's with my little next door neighbors. i couldn't help but smile.
i dont want to go back inside. he makes me tho. we go and sit down at the computer, and i watch him play pinball and beat my high score. my mind is elsewhere thru all the games of cards, chess, checkers, connect four. i lose each time.
he's told he has a curfew at my house by my dad, and so my dad tells him he needs to leave after a while. i step outside with him when he walks out the door. i stand there and ask him if i can run away with him. he tells me yes. he goes to the street and skates for a while, i just stand there and watch him. he's so happy, why did i show him this side of me? why cant i just be that happy bouncy little girl that he met a couple weeks ago and leave it at that? why?
he comes up to me and i sit there while he holds me 6 inches or so away. he says some things that i really dont remember. he also asks me to stop yelling and be nicer to my parents. i sighed and said id try. tara calls him and i talk to her for a little bit, and right smack in the middle of the conversation justin comes up and kisses me. and then i get off the phone with tara and he leaves.
i was feeling very weak last nite. i feel weak right now as a matter of fact. its that feeling where you feel like all you want to do is either cry or sleep or scream, like the emotion inside is running you down and you're losing control over your arms and legs. i dont like this feeling.
my pretty little star bled for me this time. i wanted to stare at it forever and wish upon it. it was so beautiful.
i need to get out and do something. im wasting away my vacation on petty people and petty emotions about things that arent of much importance.
this is entry 400. for some reason i just dont feel it.
id like to thank the ppl that created diaryland again. they've made my life a lot easier. thank you. =)
3:50 p.m. - Dec. 22, 2004
Recent entries:
07.06.16//there's one broken cobblestone still clinging to the bridge
06.30.16//digression of glitter, shiny, and sparkle!
06.27.16//half a life ago
12.15.11//sometimes, you've got to love what's good for you.
09.26.11//you are my beginning to my never-end
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
hiv
fangbanger
onelilwitch
gypsyxdance
all2soon
pirate-witch
jackthripper
degausser
bloodinblack
imaginative-
midnightrum
annaisana